"He's got the whole world in His hands...."

I haven't been able to blog very much since we got home and I miss it...I miss my friends and the comments and reading other people's blogs.  Life has definitely changed in the Reed household and some days I struggle.  This blog is all about honesty and with the good comes the bad and if I just ignore the hard parts of life's journey, then I'm not being real.  Tonight, I had a good long cry and chat with God....it was much needed.

When we arrived home with Maura Rohama, we were so elated and still are to this day.  I wondered what it was going to be like when we finally took physical possession of her because I have read so much about parents feeling detached, some sad that the adoption journey is over, and some parents bonded so easily.  I can honestly say that it has been so natural holding, caring, and loving Maura Rohama.  This may sound crazy but I don't do very well changing poopy diapers that don't belong to Ashton (this can really gross me out and result in some MAJOR gagging), so that was a concern that I prayed a lot about - hey, God cares about all our concerns - and guess what, they don't bother me at all! 

I'm going to be totally honest with you about our time in Vanderbilt - there were moments when I didn't know if we would ever walk back out the door with Maura Rohama alive in our arms.  In a week, that baby endured and continues to endure more testing, bloodwork, and medicine than most of us will ever endure over our lifetime.  I was so scared those first 24 hours and whereas sleep was elusive, God was not.  I prayed for peace and God granted my request.  The Sunday afternoon when we walked through the lobby and Maura Rohama was in my arms, I had tears of joy and thanksgiving streaming down my face.  From the moment she entered my arms until she was safely in her car seat, I was praying a prayer of praise and thanksgiving. 

I was so excited when our first visitor came by last week and Maura Rohama was very timid and didn't want her to hold her.  She wanted her Mommy!  This is HUGE in adoption attachment and it blessed my heart to see her lip quiver and her little hands reaching out for me!  Of course, Maura Rohama doesn't get out much and contact with "outsiders" per se is very limited, so we have had a lot of "forced" bonding but it's bonding nevertheless. 

I have so much fun with Rohama.  With Ashton, I was so nervous all the time.  Outside of acid reflux, he was a healthy baby, but I was so scared I would do something wrong.  With Rohama, I just laugh and have so much fun with her - even with her heart condition.  We don't know what each day will bring and the doctors have prepared us for the worst but I am determined not to let that get me down and to enjoy each and every moment as a family.  God has given me so much peace about Rohama's health.  I know He is going to take care of her - even if that doesn't mean that my will coincides with His.  I am so excited about my children and they both bring me so much joy!  Rohama and I generally wake Ashton up each morning by snuggling with him.  Rohama loves to give him slobbery kisses and Ash complains but always leans forward for more! 

One of the hardest parts of life right now is that I miss my job.  I don't make much money working mostly court-appointed cases but I love my job and enjoy working with the other members of the Bar and judicial system.  The judges, clerks, other attorneys, paralegals, CASA, and Dept. of Children Services staff have been so supportive of us and I miss them so much!  Some days I struggle with knowing that Jason's life is trucking along like normal and right now, I don't know when I will be able to resume my career - I LOVE being both attorney and mother.  I had planned to take time off for bonding but it is difficult not knowing if and when I will be able to reenter the workforce.  I think about finances and the medical bills that are now trickling in, but it's not just the money I miss, it's the people.  If any of you are reading this, please know how much your support has meant to all of us and that I will be back when Maura Rohama is feeling better but until then, I will do whatever I need to do to keep my baby healthy!  In the meantime, I'm praying about the direction of my career and anxious to see what doors God will open.  Thank you so much for your prayers and cooperation (over this last month especially)!

December has also brought with it great turmoil and discord which has resulted in broken relationships that cause me great pain and sadness.  Tonight, as I was trying to get Rohama asleep and she was screaming and gasping for air, I found myself singing "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands."  I could feel the moment when Rohama gave-up control and gave-in to rest.  Her little body jerked and she snorted for air and then she went limp with sleep.  I couldn't help but correlate this with my walk with Christ.  He knew all that December would bring and has been preparing me all along to be able to cope.  I am so stressed that I am having rather significant chest pain and numbness in my limbs.  I pray constantly but until tonight I haven't relinquinshed control. 

Tonight, as I prayed, I could feel the tension and stress lifting but most of all, I could feel the comforting arms of God.  As hurt and stressed as I am, I cannot fret anymore.  I'm tired and weary - I cannot carry these burdens any longer.  Tonight, I gave these situations over to God, and He will take care of them and work in hearts - all of our hearts. 

During my prayer time God convicted me that I am only responsible for the actions of my life and for my testimony...Jason has been trying to tell me that for weeks but I'm slow at times.  I'm not going to stress over my job responsibilities and have placed my career path in His hands. I forgive the one who has caused me such pain.  God will continue to work in all of our lives and He can turn our relationship around and guide career paths...afterall, He's got the whole world in His hands. 

Christmas was also difficult because as we rejoiced over our new child, we also mourned the death of Julianna Ashure Deborah Reed.  I look at Maura Rohama and I think about Julianna and praise God that she is in Heaven with Him and not alone in a cemetery half-way across the world.  Oh, how I love my little girl!  I know my Mom is praising God right alongside her!

Also, throughout this month, my father-in-law has been recovering from very evasive back surgery.  He has had setbacks along the way - even so much that he is back in the hospital as I write.  Tomorrow, he will be undergoing more procedures to determine how much the incision is infected.  It may be that the doctors have to remove all the hardware that they put into his back and he will ultimately have to undergo surgery again to replace it.  His fluids will also be tested for Staph and Mersa. 

As Jason left for the hospital, my son had tears pooling in his eyes only for them to start spilling out on his cheeks as his daddy drove away.  Ashton doesn't trust doctors or hospitals and since my mother and his sister died, he is very emotional about people close to him being sick or his not being able to communicate with them whenever he wants because then he fears that they have died.  As he prepared for bed tonight and said his prayers, once again the tears fell as he begged God not to let his Pa die.  One little 5 year old boy should not know such pain in his life at such an early age.  This last 1 1/2 years have been hard on him too.  One person commented some time back that they are anxious to see how God uses Ashton and his life plan because God has molded him from a very early age with a lot of rather harsh life experiences - I too am wondering because I know that just as God is preparing me for life, He is also preparing my children. 

December has been full of a lot of tragedy and heartache but also full of blessings and love - I see it everyday in the eyes of my children.  Life is everchanging and although we don't know what is right around the bend, God does and He will bring us through!  Never forget that even during the darkest days of life, He's got the whole world in His hands!