Onslaught of Emotions

I've started planning Maura's first birthday and with this has come an onslaught of emotions.  The first birthday is huge - at least for me. 

I was so excited about Ashton's first birthday and made sure to pay attention to all the details.  I wanted it to be a day that he would remember - even if only through video and pictures.  To me, birthdays are a celebration of all the past year has brought and great anticipation for the year of life that is to come.  Ash cried most of his first birthday because he just wanted to sit in his new red Radio Flyer waggon and chew on his fingers.  He didn't like cake and could't stand to have his hands dirty, so he didn't pounce into his own little cake like most kids but he liked to look at the fish on it (he had an aquarium themed party).  Today, when Ash looks back on those pictures, he laughs about his Granny and PaPa holding him as he screamed and wore the giant stuffed fish hat.  He points to himself and says, "Aw" but best yet, as he looks through photos from birthdays gone by, with each party he says, "That was the best day ever."  He knows he is loved and his life is celebrated. 

We have all the pieces of Ashton's life and literally thousands of photos but that's not true about Maura.  My heart mourns not knowing about her life before July 10, 2009, when she first entered America World's orphanage/transitional home.  I have so many questions and no answers - one day, I know Maura will ask the same questions that I am pondering right now...I wish I could give her details but I can't and won't ever be able to.  For some people, they like this aspect of adoption and even feel a sense of comfort in knowing that there's no chance that a birthparent will ever be located or a relationship formed - I'm not one of these people but this is the life situation for Maura and we will cope.  We knew that the lack of information about our child was a possibility and didn't think that it would matter so much, but it does to me.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade Maura for anything, but I do wish I had info about her family.  This is one area that you just can't fully comprehend or understand or know how you will feel until you are in the situation.  As much as I would love to look into the eyes of her parents - especially her mother - and share my heart's gratitude, I will never get to do that but I can and will make sure that they are honored and respected.  I know from my own life that a father loves his children but there is nothing like a mother's love or heart, and it is Maura's mother that my heart yearns to connect with.  Maybe this intense emotion comes from the longing that I have from missing my own mother, I don't know.

Children learn from their parents - good or bad, everything a parent says or does impacts their children.  Children never stop watching their parents - even through adulthood.  As for me, I am striving to live the example that my mother led for me.  My mom wasn't perfect but she loved my father with an intensity that is rarely known in today's society but even more so, she loved God.  She was devoted to her children and oftentimes went without so that our needs as well as our wants were met.  She was a hard worker.  She went to work everyday - even through chemo treatments and terrible sickness - and helped my dad provide for our family.  She was devoted to her job, and she often said that even when you are frustrated and your boss is on your nerves, you follow God's instruction to do everything to the best of your ability just as if you were doing it for God because if you aren't doing it for Him, you need to examine your motives as He is reflected in all that a Christian does.  She was honest, fiercely protective of her family, proud of her husband, and devoted to living a life for God which included serving Him daily.  She never missed a church service without a valid reason.  She didn't like to admit when she was wrong, but she was a strong person and knew when she was and acknowledged it - even when it meant putting down her pride.  She raised two daughters to stand-up for what they believe is right and moral and not to back down in the face of adversity.  She was tender-hearted and emotional but she was passionate in all that she did.  She loved us immensely - I miss her terribly.  I strive each day to be the kind of mother to my children that she was to me.  Even in death her memory and love will live on through my sister, me, and our children. 

Even now, I'm having a hard time because Maura's birthday was something that we had planned to celebrate together.  No, she didn't know Maura's name and never got to see her beautiful face, but we had planned for this baby for over 3 years.  She should be here with me right now helping me plan the party and sort-out emotions.  Life would be much different if my mom were here right now and that saddens me for myself as well as for my children because they would have learned a lot from their Granny and without a doubt they would have been swamped with her infectous love.  But, it's up to me to make sure that the life lessons that she taught me are passed down to them.  Parenting, marriage, taking stands, and living a life pleasing to God isn't always easy but God has placed a wonderful husband in my life who shares the same convictions, and together we will raise our children to know that they are special and God has a plan for their lives, that they will always be a priority in our lives, love is forever, and most of all, to serve and love God...life lessons that I learned by example.  I hope these are the morals that Maura's birthparents would have wanted instilled in her.  My children are direct - so is their momma - and they bless my heart every day as I see their little smiles and I hear Ash proclaim his love and awe for God.  One day, I hope Maura exhibits as much love for Christ as her brother does.

Even though we have a lot of "blanks" per se for Maura, I hope she will be able to look back on photos and video of her first birthday and know that we celebrate her life.  I would like to think that her birth mother would be happy about the forever family God placed her with.  Not a day passes that I don't pray for her birth mother, father, and extended family.  I pray that God will give them peace that their daughter is loved and her life celebrated.