Adoption Reality - Beyond the Fairytale

The blog has been quite for almost a month, I know and I'm sorry.  There has been a lot going on in our household.  I may get flamed for this post but in light of current events and adoptions, I'm going to share our story about adoption reality and life after the fairytale "Gotcha Day".

If you are new to our blog, before you continue reading this post, I would recommend watching the video that introduces you to Maura.  Our adoption road has been very long and at times heartwrenching but God's hand never left us and we are so blessed.

We have been home from Ethiopia just shy of 6 months.  Before our adoption was completed, we attended numerous seminars on raising adopted children, read book after book, and connected with other adoptive families who had been there done that.  Well, nothing prepared us for what the last 6 months has brought.  We learned that a lot of post-adoption issues are hush hush when reality is that they need to be openly addressed....that's the purpose of this post.  I don't want to discourage anyone from adopting - next to salvation, it is the best choice you will ever make - but I do think it is important for people to know that the road may not always be easy.  Please note:  IF I HAD IT TO DO ALL OVER AGAIN, I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING!  I LOVE MAURA WITH ALL MY HEART!

We have a baby girl who is almost 15 months old.  I have been at home with her everyday and she was kept completely alienated (well, minus trips to Vanderbilt) from December (even missed the holiday family gatherings) to February so we could work on bondng and attachment.  I thought we were doing pretty well, so when we got the okay to start exposing her to more of the public, we decided church was going to be first.  We kept her with us until April.  We alternated with each other so one of us would go into the worship center and Sunday School while the other would be in a common area watching the service on a TV screen so we didn't have to worry with Maura getting fussy or loud.  When we thought she was ready for her own class, we found out that there weren't a lot of children in Maura's nursery class, so we didn' feel like she would be too overwhelmed.  What we didn't want to happen was for her to lunge out of our arms to grab strangers - it happened A LOT.  People just thought it was so wonderful that she is so outgoing and friendly - we were cringing as we knew this was not good.  We had been so careful to make sure that for 3 months we were the ones to care for her and tried to solidify our relationship as parents and child.  Maura only goes to church on Sunday mornings (no p.m. services just yet to help with the overstimulation factor) and Wed. nights.  We cannot live in a bubble and keep her isolated forever, so we continue to work on our relationship and try to educate people on the different needs of adopted children.

What I didn't expect was to be completely overwhelmed with constant screaming...I don't mean the normal baby/child scream, I mean the pierce-your-eardrum all out wail that NEVER stops.  This only happens with me.  During the day, Jason works and Ashton goes to preschool while Maura and I are at home together.  Occassionally, a grandparent or an aunt will watch Maura for a brief period of time while I have to go to a meeting, to the doctor, or to court but I am predominately with her.  I am her main caregiver and she won't even call me "Momma" but just screams as loud as she can.  She doesn't cry because she wants something or is mad or tired or hungry, she screams just to be screaming.  Some days, she screams so hard that she literally shakes.  I pick her up, she screams and flails trying to get out of my arms but when I put her down, she throws herself on the ground because she wants to be picked up.  She can't decide what she wants - according to the psychologist that I met with on Friday, she is trying to understand love and while part of her longs for attention, the other part is fighting it because she has never known consistent, faithful love....it breaks my heart.  Our pediatrician specializes in treating children who are adopted internationally, so we have discussed ad nauseum how to break through the walls that Maura has built around her heart.  I know she's only 14 months but those walls are there, people!  My baby is suffering, and I feel so helpless.

If you were to be around Maura, you would think she has the friendlist, best personality ever - she does but she is dealing with a lot of emotional issues right now.  She would wave at you and say, "Hi!" or "Hey!" and if you wanted to watch her, she wouldn't cry a bit when I walked away and left her with you.  However, when I came back, she would reach up for me and then when we are alone together, the screaming will start fiercely and last hours and hours.  Because this behavior only happens with me, other people tend to think I'm making this up or that I've gone crazy.  I've heard everything from I've gone psychotic to I need to be medicated - say or think what you may but I live this every day and I am at a loss as to how to break through these walls and help my daughter.  As my grandmother stated to Jason last week while she was visiting with us and the days were very long with screaming - "No one can listen to this screaming day in and day out and be able to function without being exasperated."  I know that part of the problem is that I am exasperated and exhausted and Maura can sense that, so it only adds to her frustration.  I am working on managing my stress so I can be a better parent and not further stress my child. 

Maura's pediatrician told me 2 weeks ago that when she screams and I'm ready to join her that I should hold her tight and repeat to myself, "She only screams because she loves me.  She only screams because she loves me."  I'll tell you what, when she is screaming, slapping me, and biting me, my heart breaks because I

wonder if she truly does love me.  My head knows that she does - afterall, I haven't read all those books and went to seminars not to learn something, but my heart aches for my child to know without a doubt that Mommy is never going to leave her, will always love her, and would give my life for her. Six months, and she has just recently even started putting her little head on my shoulder and patting me - at least that shows a crack in her wall built around her heart and emotions.  When I hold her tight and she is screaming her head off, I just look into her mesmerizing dark chocolate eyes and wonder what all she has seen in such a short little life - she has faced more life challenges in her short 1 1/2 years than most of us adults will ever know in a lifetime.  Reality is that adoption is hard but it is rewarding and the best blessing ever - I love Maura with all my heart and together, with God's help, we are going to get through this and she is going to learn to love and trust.

Parenting Maura is so different than parenting Ashton as they both have similiar yet different needs.  I know, no two children are ever the same but when you combine parenting a child from birth and parenting a child who missed out on parental and family love for the entire first year of life - the challenges are great.  The common, everyday Joe doesn't understand how important that first year of life is but for us adoptive parents, we know and if you don't, you better learn quick because you need to know!  We use time-in when she's in trouble so she doesn't feel alienated or alone - afterall, she's been on that road all of her life.  We don't smack her little hand when she touches something she isn't supposed to as that only teaches her to smack - she hasn't been taught how to manage anger from day one like birth children so she learns that if someone does something you don't like, just smack them, afterall, that's what happens to me.  How long do we let her cry without scooping her up?  She's never had someone to show her unconditional love and she needs to know that we do love her unconditionally.  Where do you draw the line between how long is too long for crying or is time-in teaching her that if she does wrong then she gets of what she wants - one on one attention?  So many questions and everyone seems to have their own opinion.  The problem is that people like to express opinions (whether asked to or not) and they don't have a clue about raising a child with the background that Maura has.  People say, "Oh, she's a baby, there's no way she's going to remember being abandoned or in a orphanage"; "She's too little to have any attachment or bonding issues"; "Just spank her and she'll stop crying"; "Just let her throw a tantrum and ignore her"; "If she bangs her head enough, she'll eventually figure out that it hurts and stop"; and "Don't worry, just let her cry it out and then she'll realize it doesn't get her anywhere". People could never be more wrong!

I am at the point that I need help and I love my child enough to admit that to the entire world.  Ashton, Maura, and I will be participating in family play therapy with a child psychologist at Vandy who is part of their International Adoption Clinic.   I met with Dr. Ashford last Friday for about an hour.  Without realizing it, I participated in a quiz that helped Dr. Ashford figure out Maura's temperment so we can figure out the best way to break through her insecurities and help her understand love.  Out of 17 questions, a typical easy tempered child will get 1 "yes", a moderately tempered child will get 2 "yes" and a highly tempermental child will get about 3 or 4 "yes" - Maura got 15!  She is quite the strong-willed, highly tempermental child.  My grandmother says she's lik a chamelion as her attitude and moods constantly change.  Actually, Dr. Ashford stated that most children from orphanages are highly tempermental - they had to be in order to survive their environment.  As she stated, "The squeaky wheel gets oiled".  Our play therapy will involve my wearing an earpiece while in an observation room with Maura.  As we play, Dr. Ashford will be helping me learn new parenting techniques that will be effective with Maura while at the same time nurturing her and breaking down those walls.  People may laugh and say no one is going to tell them how to raise their children but I don't share that sentiment.  I need help and if she can help, I'm there.  After our initial session, I left feeling relieved and refreshed because I am going to do whatever it takes to help my precious baby know she is loved every day of her life and hopefully she will learn to love back and to trust that her Mommy is here for her with open arms. Maybe she'll even start calling me "Mommy" one day and not just see me as her nanny or caregiver. 

Oh, one thing that I found very interesting was that Dr. Ashford stated that many mothers like me end up with braces on either or both of their hands because of repetitive picking-up and putting-down of their new children.  The children are like Maura in that they can't decide whether or not they like physical affection so it is up and down, up and down all day long.  She said most of the mothers are professionals who have typed years and years but never had a problem with carpal tunnel until they got their children home and then BAM - major nerve pains! This is so frequent among adoptive parents that the nerve damage actually has it's own name! Dr. Ashford said it wouldn't surprise her if at the next visit, I don't pick Maura up and put her down at least 70 times in the one hour play therapy session.  I laughed and told her that I just had a nerve study done 2 weeks ago and bought my brace! 

What about Jason?  She doesn't act this way with him.  He comes in from work in the evenings and tends to our animals, plays with the kids, eats supper, and gives Maura her bottle after I get her ready for bed.  She tends to hang onto his t-shirt as she falls asleep.  She occassionally smacks at him but the behavior is nothing like what I experience.  On the way to church this morning, we were talking about his getting her to sleep.  She hangs on tight to his white shirt and he said he sometimes wonders whether or not she is associating him with the nannies who also wore white and maybe that's why she's at peace?  Who knows what is going through her little mind?  All we can do is speculate and love her regardless. 

I look at my daughter and I see a child who has been touched and protected by the very hand of God.  I see a miracle.  I see a beautiful child - MY child.  I don't see color, I don't see "adoption", I just see Maura - the child I longed for and prayed for over 3 years.  My heart breaks for her as I know she is struggling internally and I can't "fix" the past for her.  I see a child who will smack or head butt her brother when he is showing affection to us or vice versa and I know that she loves us because she wants the love and doesn't want to share it, but she is struggling so badly in trying to understand how love and family works. 

I don't know if there is anyone out there reading this who is going through a similar situation, but if there is, I hope you too seek-out help and also realize that no, you are not crazy.  This behavior is typically felt by the main caregiver and in our family that is me but maybe in your family that is you.  I know, it's hard.  I've even asked people who adopted ahead of us if they had any issues like this and they all said yes but that they didn't want to mention it because adoption is supposed to be such a happy occassion.  Well, it is happy but we also need to be real.  People need to know that they are not alone and that it's okay to admit feeling overwhelmed and also that it is okay to seek out professional help.  In my world, I can go head to head with any attorney in town and be confident in doing it but I am struggling with a 14 mos. old little girl with giant chocolate eyes and brown curly hair! 

I would appreciate your prayers for our family.  Please pray that we can come together in support of one another and that God can unite our hearts and work in our lives.  The fairytale "Meetcha Day" and "Gotcha Day" are behind us but there is a lot of love, laughter and joy ahead of us!