Today I woke-up feeling sick to my stomach and didn't initially know why and then as I rolled over, it hit me....
my baby died one year ago today. I've been thinking about this day for awhile now so it's no wonder that I woke-up with that sick feeling when I realized that today actually marks one year. What I wouldn't give to be able to place flowers at her grave today. Over and over throughout this last year, I have wished that her little body would have been able to be brought to the US and placed right beside her grandmother. My entire family - with the exception of Julianna Ashure Deborah Reed - will be buried together right down the road from my house. We're a family and we should be together. This is so hard.
As I watch Maura grow-up, I often think about Julianna (
click here for her video) and wonder what she would have been like. Did she have the spirit and spunk that her sister has? Would she have been quiet or outgoing? The questions race at me and all the while, my heart breaks and my arms yearn for the little girl that I loved so much yet never got to hold.
If I have learned nothing over the last year, it is that people simply do not understand the spirit of adoption. Some people cannot understand how you can grieve for a child you never held. Some people say to just consider her like a miscarriage and move on - WHAT?!?!?! How could I ever consider her like a miscarriage - I heard my baby girl coo and ah and saw her moving and prayed for her and most of all, loved her with a passion like no other - she IS my baby girl. On top of that, those who say consider this like a miscarriage have obviously never had one because they hurt too and that's a pain you don't get over either. I think of our Ukraine experience like our miscarriage. We traveled half-way across the world and went through pure agony only to return home without a child and broken. Some folks just don't understand and unfortunately, those are the people who open their mouth without thinking.
One day, I'm gong to be able to afford to buy Julianna Ashure a headstone like she would have had if she were buried here with us. The cross that bears her name in St. Joseph Cemetery in Addis Ababa is adequate for now but I want her to have more than a piece of metal with paint running down from her name - which isn't even spelled correctly. With all of Maura's medical bills and now mine (by the way, my biopsies came back negative so no stomach or colon cancer), we just can't afford it right now but one day that will be taken care of....tears stream down my face even as I type as I long to be standing over her little blue cross right at this very moment.
What a day July 10, 2009, was for our family. One daughter entered Heaven and saw her ultimate Father while our other daughter entered our agency's transitional home (orphanage) in Ethiopia and was matched with our family before we were even informed Julianna Ashure had died. God went to great lengths to provide balm for our souls on that day and we didn't even know it at the time. What a caring Father we have!
I can't visit my daughter's grave today but I can visit my mother's grave. Julianna was named after Mom, and today I will place new flowers on her grave both in her honor and in Julianna's. I've learned a lot about grief from both Mom and Julianna and I hope that this year brings me to a new path in my grieving for my daughter. You see, the first year after my mom died, I was absolutely devastated but then as the 1st year turned into the 2nd, God helped me move past the sorrow and remember all the good things about her life and flooded my mind and hearts with memories that has helped me to begin to heal and look forward in life while at the same time cherishing the past in my heart. Although I don't have memories of phyiscally holding Julianna and doing things personally with her, I have the memories of her milestones, her pictures, video of her enjoying life, etc. and I'll never forget the joy that I felt with just peering down into her face. One day, I will see both my mother and daughter and we will never be separated again!
Maura often looks at her sister's picture and points and says, "Baby". She is now learning to call her "J" and although she doesn't quite have the "J" downpat, she points, mumbles babytalk, and then laughs. One day she will understand that "J" isn't just a baby in a frame but she is her sister. Not a day passes when Ashton says his goodnight prayers that he doesn't thank God for Julianna...same goes for me. One daughter doesn't replace the other and never will....we will all always remember Julianna Ashure Deborah Reed.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2
"In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Prov. 3:6
"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7
