Onslaught of Emotions

I've started planning Maura's first birthday and with this has come an onslaught of emotions.  The first birthday is huge - at least for me. 

I was so excited about Ashton's first birthday and made sure to pay attention to all the details.  I wanted it to be a day that he would remember - even if only through video and pictures.  To me, birthdays are a celebration of all the past year has brought and great anticipation for the year of life that is to come.  Ash cried most of his first birthday because he just wanted to sit in his new red Radio Flyer waggon and chew on his fingers.  He didn't like cake and could't stand to have his hands dirty, so he didn't pounce into his own little cake like most kids but he liked to look at the fish on it (he had an aquarium themed party).  Today, when Ash looks back on those pictures, he laughs about his Granny and PaPa holding him as he screamed and wore the giant stuffed fish hat.  He points to himself and says, "Aw" but best yet, as he looks through photos from birthdays gone by, with each party he says, "That was the best day ever."  He knows he is loved and his life is celebrated. 

We have all the pieces of Ashton's life and literally thousands of photos but that's not true about Maura.  My heart mourns not knowing about her life before July 10, 2009, when she first entered America World's orphanage/transitional home.  I have so many questions and no answers - one day, I know Maura will ask the same questions that I am pondering right now...I wish I could give her details but I can't and won't ever be able to.  For some people, they like this aspect of adoption and even feel a sense of comfort in knowing that there's no chance that a birthparent will ever be located or a relationship formed - I'm not one of these people but this is the life situation for Maura and we will cope.  We knew that the lack of information about our child was a possibility and didn't think that it would matter so much, but it does to me.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade Maura for anything, but I do wish I had info about her family.  This is one area that you just can't fully comprehend or understand or know how you will feel until you are in the situation.  As much as I would love to look into the eyes of her parents - especially her mother - and share my heart's gratitude, I will never get to do that but I can and will make sure that they are honored and respected.  I know from my own life that a father loves his children but there is nothing like a mother's love or heart, and it is Maura's mother that my heart yearns to connect with.  Maybe this intense emotion comes from the longing that I have from missing my own mother, I don't know.

Children learn from their parents - good or bad, everything a parent says or does impacts their children.  Children never stop watching their parents - even through adulthood.  As for me, I am striving to live the example that my mother led for me.  My mom wasn't perfect but she loved my father with an intensity that is rarely known in today's society but even more so, she loved God.  She was devoted to her children and oftentimes went without so that our needs as well as our wants were met.  She was a hard worker.  She went to work everyday - even through chemo treatments and terrible sickness - and helped my dad provide for our family.  She was devoted to her job, and she often said that even when you are frustrated and your boss is on your nerves, you follow God's instruction to do everything to the best of your ability just as if you were doing it for God because if you aren't doing it for Him, you need to examine your motives as He is reflected in all that a Christian does.  She was honest, fiercely protective of her family, proud of her husband, and devoted to living a life for God which included serving Him daily.  She never missed a church service without a valid reason.  She didn't like to admit when she was wrong, but she was a strong person and knew when she was and acknowledged it - even when it meant putting down her pride.  She raised two daughters to stand-up for what they believe is right and moral and not to back down in the face of adversity.  She was tender-hearted and emotional but she was passionate in all that she did.  She loved us immensely - I miss her terribly.  I strive each day to be the kind of mother to my children that she was to me.  Even in death her memory and love will live on through my sister, me, and our children. 

Even now, I'm having a hard time because Maura's birthday was something that we had planned to celebrate together.  No, she didn't know Maura's name and never got to see her beautiful face, but we had planned for this baby for over 3 years.  She should be here with me right now helping me plan the party and sort-out emotions.  Life would be much different if my mom were here right now and that saddens me for myself as well as for my children because they would have learned a lot from their Granny and without a doubt they would have been swamped with her infectous love.  But, it's up to me to make sure that the life lessons that she taught me are passed down to them.  Parenting, marriage, taking stands, and living a life pleasing to God isn't always easy but God has placed a wonderful husband in my life who shares the same convictions, and together we will raise our children to know that they are special and God has a plan for their lives, that they will always be a priority in our lives, love is forever, and most of all, to serve and love God...life lessons that I learned by example.  I hope these are the morals that Maura's birthparents would have wanted instilled in her.  My children are direct - so is their momma - and they bless my heart every day as I see their little smiles and I hear Ash proclaim his love and awe for God.  One day, I hope Maura exhibits as much love for Christ as her brother does.

Even though we have a lot of "blanks" per se for Maura, I hope she will be able to look back on photos and video of her first birthday and know that we celebrate her life.  I would like to think that her birth mother would be happy about the forever family God placed her with.  Not a day passes that I don't pray for her birth mother, father, and extended family.  I pray that God will give them peace that their daughter is loved and her life celebrated.

Into EVERYTHING!

Ashton was such a low-key baby.  He loved to snuggle - still does, actually - and was so well behaved.  He never got into anything at the house, so there was no worry of broken glassware, harmful plant eating, etc.  We told him "no" and he listened.  Well, then along came Maura Rohama......

She is going to give us a run for our money!  She learned to crawl and her world changed drastically!  You put her on a quilt on the floor and she's off of it within minutes.  She tries to pull-up on all the furniture, toys, etc. within her reach.  She wakes-up in the morning and crawls to the side of her crib and pulls-up.  She says, "Dada" and then throws her pacifier into the hallway to make sure we heard her.  I ordered a playpen from Target last Monday, so I can't wait for that to arrive so she can be safely confined when I can't hold her....and yes, Dad, I do put her down sometimes - you must remember that she came to us spoiled, so we're not completely responsible ;O

Ashton was playing with his pirate ship and went to the playroom for his "men" and this is the scene that quickly occurred:

She had crawled over to the loveseat, pulled-up, and was reaching for the boat.  I called her name and she turned around and grinned.  The battle over toys has already started.  If Ashton has it, Maura wants it.  Over the weekend, they were playing on the floor with baby-proof toys and I heard Ash call, "Mom, come get her, I'm over babies right now."  Our den and kitchen are one big open room, so I was right there watching them, so I couldn't help but chuckle as he huffed and puffed and went to the playroom.  I remember those days myself as my sister is 3 years younger than me and used to drive me crazy!  Ah, the fun is just beginning!

Awesome, wonderful, miraculous news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is most likely one of the best posts that I will EVER write!

First, let's recap the week that our family has had. 

Over the weekend, Maura started sneezing then coughing.  Her nose started running on Monday and by Tuesday morning, congestion had settled into her chest to the point that she stopped breathing twice.  I freaked.  I was able to remember the techniques that we were taught at Vanderbilt, so I knew to tap the bottom of her foot and then give her a light shake to see if she would take a breathe on her own - she did each time, thankfully.  She was breathing very shallow and rapid breaths.  She wasn't in duress, so in these situations, we have been told that it is better to get her to her doctors instead of the ER because the ER doesn't know anything about her past or her medical conditions.  She was tested for RSV.  This greatly alarmed me because we had already been told that if she contracted RSV, the chances were great that she wouldn't survive due to her fragile health.  In under a week, she lost around 6 oz.  On Wednesday afternoon, we found out that her RSV test was negative!

We were already struggling with her refusal to eat and have been basically force feeding her most days.  We have to hold both hands down and lay her in our laps and hold the bottle tight so it doesn't go flying through the air when her strong little hands break free and she starts swatting at it.  She only says "Momma" when she's mad or hurt - what I wouldn't give to hear her say my name with a smile on her face!  She says "Dada" constantly and when I try to get her to say my name, she only repeats "Dada" and laughs. 

Well, we had a sleepless night on Tuesday because we were so afraid she was going to start having trouble breathing but she didn't.  We headed back to Vandy on Thursday to meet with her cardiologist.  She had an echo done and then we waited and waited.  When the doctor came into the room, she was very serious and started questioning the dosage that I was administering Maura's heart medicine.  I was shocked as I am overly cautious with this.  We have a chart that we were given by Vanderbilt, and I follow that very, very closely.  It turns out that the doctor was wrong.  Apparently, one of the medicines, Coreg, was initially ordered by this doctor at 1/2 of the typical dosage for a child of Maura's age and weight.  This dosage was doubled at the appointment on 12/21 so that she is taking the typical starting dosage.  The cardiologist thought that she was supposed to be taking double what she was told to take on 12/21.  This was really freaking me out now because she took Maura in her arms and started mashing on her abdomen, listening to her heart and chest and then put her on the exam table for what seemed like an eternity to an overly anxious mother.  The doctor never holds Maura or starts examining her so thoroughly while at a routine appointment.  I could feel my own heart pounding out of my chest as I kept thinking that we were about to receive some really bad news.

Well, the doctor placed her back in my arms and sighed as she sat back down on her stool.  She said, "Well, I don't have a medical explanation for this but Maura's heart is almost within the normal range."  She said that is it within fractions of being normal both in size and function and that when compared to the Echo on 12/21, it is completely unbelieveable and compared to her initial echo the first part of December it was even more remarkable.  She said that Maura had made her day - especially considering the very low dosage she is taking of Coreg.  Oh, and she had gained 6 oz. since Tuesday and it wasn't water retention!  As for me, I was about to lose it right there in the room.  I said it was no medical mystery but that it was all God!  I was completely blown away.  We had had such a hard week that I was prepared for news but definitely not this AWESOME, WONDERFUL, MIRACULOUS news!  The day finally came - no more talk of heart transplants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She said that Maura's heart medicine would continue to be increased over the next couple of months and then it would level out to a maintenance dosage for a period of time, maybe even years.  Depending upon how she does, it is quite possible that she could even start being around other people as early as April or May!  Maura loves other children and I think she's lonely - I know her Mommy gets that way sometimes - as even in the orphanage the nannies said that she would lay beside the other children and reach-out to hold their hands. 

This has been a week of revelations for us.  We have been working on our post-placement report for our adoption agency and that has caused us to really stop and evaluate our adoption, family, and overall life journey.  I realized that had we known about Maura's heart, we would not have accepted her referral as we would not have felt equipped to handle her special needs.  Had America World known about the condition, they would not have even offered us the referral.  The best part is that God knew all about it and He made sure that no one knew about it until she was home and able to get treatment.  It is so amazing to know that had she stayed in ET for even 2 more weeks, the Vandy physicians have stated that she would have likely died.  God's timing and plan is so remarkable! 

God has shown us that He always equips us at just the perfect moment.  He provides for all of our needs.  He also quilts the pieces of our life so that they all come together at just the right time.  This adoption journey has changed our lives drastically and as hard as some days are, we are thankful for each one.  Jason and I are praying about some serious changes that we are considering making for the Lord.  We feel very strongly that He has given us a strong testimony and that He is working in our lives and wants to continue using us.  There are quite possibly career changes coming down the line - we are excited, unsure, and seeking His guidance.  Right now, we know this - God is a wonderful, loving father and He will continue to guide our paths as long as we are earnestly seeking Him!  Adoption is such an amazing journey - our God is such an amazing god!

Caught playing in the crib!

When we first got Rohama home, she would eat and then go right to sleep for hours.  We were told by the staff in ET that she was a wonderful sleeper and never fussed a bit about bedtime - well, that was before her heart condition was detected and she started on meds!  One way that we know her heart is improving is that she doesn't eat and fall right to sleep anymore.  Before, her heart had to work so hard just to take a bottle that she was outright exhausted.  Now, she doesn't want to go to sleep at all and fights it with everything in her little body.  Tonight, I thought she was about asleep, so I sat down in the floor at the end of her crib and just waited to make sure that she wasn't going to get upset (we can't allow her to cry a lot because it raises her heart rate and this is dangerous for her as it is still not within normal limits).  She got very, very quiet and I could feel that strange sensation that you get when someone is staring at you.  I looked up and this is what I saw:

Well, we worked  little bit more towards going to bed and then I left her music on and left the room.  She was very quiet again, so I went back in to check on her and as I opened the half-closed door, I saw this:

She waved at me and said, "Hi" with a huge grin.  I just shook my head and laughed.  Over the last couple of days, she has learned to pull herself up and is doing great supporting herself on what used to be jello legs.  She is such a joy.  On Christmas Eve, Ashton was kissing on her and said, "She's so beautiful.  Can we keep her?"  I have such wonderful children!

The Tooth Fairy Came!

Yesterday, we spent most of the afternoon and into the early evening at Vanderbilt because Rohama is refusing to eat.  On Wednesday, she only consumed 10 oz. all day long and not much more than that on Monday and Tuesday.  She is 10 months old and only weighs 13 lbs 11 oz, so she can't afford to have many days of not eating.  We've tried teething gels and techniques in hopes that would help but nothing worked.  We tried cereal and baby food - nope, her lips wouldn't part.  She cried and screamed at times - definitely not typical Maura Rohama behavior - and we were afraid that she was going to get dehydrated and that perhaps something was wrong.  We called her international adoption pediatrician and her cardiologist and were told to get her to them.  She was up to 14 lbs, so that was good, but they couldn't figure out why she wouldn't eat.  We were there FOREVER - or at least it felt like it.  At the end of the day, they said to keep working with her and hopefully she is just going through a moody spell but that we should stay alert because Rohama's body can't handle too much of a moody spell like this. 

Well, we were starving after no lunch or supper, so we ate at the cafeteria at Vanderbilt.  Ashton was biting into a piece of Pizza Hut pizza when a terrified but shocked look came across his face - he had lost his first tooth!  He has been "nursing" that tooth (his words exactly) for weeks to make sure that it didn't fall out but he was so hungry that he forgot to bite with his side teeth and out it came! 

He was not excited because that meant the tooth fairy was coming and he is petrified of the tooth fairy!  He didn't care that she would leave him money, he just didn't want to think about her at all.  So, we got out his "magic pillow" and secured the tooth in the pocket and he put it by my bed.  When he went to bed, he put all the animals we would allow in the bed with him and then laid his giant stuffed tiger right across his midsection for a gate and then he went to sleep.  He came flying into our room this morning and flipped on the light to see if she came last night.  He squealed with delight when he saw his money and kept saying, "This is so exciting!  This is so exciting!"  Jason said that he didn't think the tooth fairy got the memo that we are in a recession and complained that all he used to get was $1.00.  Too funny!

Pillow:

In this pocket

you will find

A teeny, tiny

tooth of mine.

So while I sleep,

while dreams are made,

let's see if we can make a trade!

I just love being a mommy! 

Children are such blessings from God!