Okay, I (Erica) am struggling. I do pretty good with the waiting game and then, "wham" I'm right back to fretting. It doesn't take much these days to make me antsy. Yesterday, for example, I was looking at the pics that the Portillas took for us last week and I noticed a mark on Baby Girl's forehead that looks like chicken pox. My heart started racing as my mind began thinking back to Ashure. Ashure was fine until her immune system was weakened by chicken pox and then she couldn't seem to fight off diarrhea, pneumonia, or sepsis. Honestly, at that moment, it felt like an elephant had sat on my chest because I couldn't seem to breath very well. That passed and then today, it was back again. Jason's aunt has made the most beautiful dress for Baby Girl to wear to church and after she left my office, I was back to flipping-out because I knew that the dress was started for Julianna Ashure and that there was nothing we could do to keep her alive.
I need to hear something soon from our agency. I don't have to have a court date (although it sure would be nice) but I do need answers from a conversation that occurred over 2 weeks ago. Our family coordinator is trying to get answers from in-country staff and the court person that is stateside, and she has been just wonderful with us, so I know she will contact me when she knows something but this waiting is so hard. For me, these last 2 weeks have been the hardest out of the entire last 3 years!
Well, tonight I was trying to chill-out by reading and God used the spiritual romance book to talk to me. This is an excerpt:
When she entered a shop featuring blown glass, a clear glass cross trimmed in gold caught her eye. She went to examine it more closely and discovered a verse on a plaque next to the cross. The verse, Proverbs 3:5, read: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
She stepped back for a moment and whispered the verse. The message was clear. Worries about dealing with Peter [or in my case Ashure and Baby Girl] crowded her mind because she hadn't been trusting in the Lord. Why was it so easy to forget to lean on God? He was right there all the time waiting to help, and she'd been trying to take care of everything on her own. The cross and verse would remind her to trust in God. (From Homecoming Blessings by Merrillee Whren)
I'm not pining over a potential husband, but I am pining over my daughters. I don't understand God's plans but I do respect them. I am trying my best to take my burdens to the foot of the cross and LEAVE THEM THERE (I'm bad about dropping them off and then hastily reaching back down and carrying them off with me). These paragraphs spoke to me - I MUST TRUST IN THE LORD; HE IS IN CONTROL.
Please pray that God will help me to stay focused on Him and not worry. All the Devil wants is to steal my joy and weaken my testimony and relationship with Christ. I covet your prayers.
