Trials, Lessons, and Joy through Pain

Life is full of trials and lessons.  The last 6 months have definitely been a learning experience!  Our family has gone through a lot of difficult times and yesterday brought all of the experiences together in a way that only God could orchestrate.

I've already written about our hospital journey with Maura, so you know all that our precious baby has gone through.  She is still doing very well and remains healthy and heart failure free.  She has truly been touched by the hand of God! 

After the sickness came behavior issues.  We are learning so much about parenting adoptive children and let me tell you, their needs are so different from those of biological children.  We have also learned a little more about Maura's past and that is a past that will forever remain Maura's story and only known by Jason and me and shared with Maura when she is old enough to comprehend it all.  Truly, Maura has experienced more pain and heartache than most of us could ever imagine.   Yes, she continues to scream and fight us but we are slowly working through the behavior and yes, we are seeing improvement. 

I've written this many times over the last 3 years...adoption is not for the weary and weak of faith.  The adoption journey doesn't end with the homecoming of the child, it just begins.  Each day is different and some are better than others but every pain is worth it.  There is a reason that adoptive parents are educated on "parenting the hurting child".  People say, "Oh, it is so wonderful what you are doing for that baby" or "She is so blessed" but the reality is we as parents are the ones who are blessed by the children and whereas we are parenting a "hurting child", God uses our adoptive children to help Him in parenting his "hurting child" - us - as the adoptive parents frequently find themselves on their knees.  God uses our children to remind us that we too are adopted into His family and that He will provide for us but most of all, He will love us unconditionally.

Our struggles also include a health issue with Ashton that we are watching closely, as well as my own health issues.  I will be undergoing testing tomorrow and while all the results won't be available tomorrow, hopefully we will get a better understanding of what is going on with my own body.  As you may recall, my mother died less than 2 years ago and some of my symptoms are mimicking her illnesses, so the doctors are trying to be thorough.  The wonderful thing is, although I know the doctors are checking for very serious illnesses, I'm not upset and worried.  I have prayed and God has given me peace.  I know my Heavenly Father is going to take care of me and if things don't ultimately have a good outcome on earth, there's no better outcome than the eternal one!  It's all in God's hands and out of my control.

Well, yesterday a close family member and I were hurt very badly by the one person that at one time we thought we could always count on.  While my family member wept and sought comfort in her support person, I was at home with my immediate family and trying to find out what was going on - things were already bad and although I never thought it could get any worse, it did.  Jason took Ashton outside as Ashton was upset that someone he loved and thought loved us was making me cry.  I was left alone with Maura...both children were refusing to leave my side as they could sense that something was very wrong, and whereas Ash was all Jason could handle as he literally carried him out of the house, that left Maura in my care.  I was hurting and crying.  I sank to the floor in my bedroom and wept.  For just a moment, it was only me and God, and then I felt a little hand on my arm.  I sat up straighter and without saying a word, Maura reached her arms up and placed them around my neck and put her little head on my shoulder.   She could sense my pain and was trying to comfort me!  God tore walls down in Maura's heart and mine as for at least 15 minutes, I wept and she comforted me.  For the first time, I understood the depth of Maura's pain.  Maura has been mourning the loss of her parents, her life, her country, her everything...she felt abandoned by those she loved and couldn't comprehend the loss.  Our hearts connected through pain.  This may sound crazy to those of you who have never been in this situation before but Maura's loss and mine were the same - we have both experienced the pain of loss and betrayal.  I would have never dreamed God would have chosen that moment and that horrible event to bring my relationship with Maura to a whole new level - what a mighty God we serve!

Even today, Maura is a different child with me. Also, it's almost lunch and she has not had one melt-down, tantrum, or screaming fit - she has stayed right here with me and just keeps patting me.  When she got up this morning, her face lit-up with a smile and she tilted her head sideways as she looked at me...it was like she was saying, "Are you okay today?" Only God could bring so much joy from so much pain, and with God, we always have a parent who loves unconditionally and will give the ultimate sacrifice for His children - He already did. What an example He sets for each of us!

I reached a point yesterday in my personal life that I knew as much as it hurt me, alone I am powerless against the influence of Satan on the ones I love and only God can change their hearts and lives.  Yesterday was a lightbulb moment when I realized that life as I knew it and had been led to believe was real and true was over and was only a facade.  My family has been lied to and rejected for months and yesterday the ultimate rejection occurred, and I knew then that someone could try to cover sin with lies and play people against one another but in the end, the truth always comes out and sometimes it is very, very painful.  It is time to move on and trust God to work.  I'm tired of being played against my family members and I'm tired of stressing over this long drawn-out situation.  Yesterday, first in worship and then after the explosion yesterday afternoon, God said, "Let Me have it" so I'm putting it down and going to wait on God to work it all out in His time. 

Letting go feels good and that has spilled over to my husband and children.  Jason knows that I've been upset but after yesterday he said he realized that things were worse than he ever thought.  We're on the same page now and that brings healing for us as well.  Together, we will continue to pray for restoration for our entire family but for now, we won't focus on the pain but on the responsibility that God gave us to raise our children according to scripture. 

Yesterday evening while we were out for a drive, my son said, "Momma, when Granny made choices, she always prayed, didn't she?"  I said, "Yes, son.  Granny loved God with all of her heart and always tried to follow His will. She wasn't perfect, though, and she still made mistakes."  Ash replied, "Well, she's helping God build a beautiful palace now.  I want to make good choices like Granny."  Oh, to be the God-fearing, Christian mother that my mother was!  I'm trying really hard and unfortunately oftentimes living for Christ comes at a great price...but what rewards it has!