One Year Ago Julianna Ashure Died

Today I woke-up feeling sick to my stomach and didn't initially know why and then as I rolled over, it hit me....my baby died one year ago today.  I've been thinking about this day for awhile now so it's no wonder that I woke-up with that sick feeling when I realized that today actually marks one year.  What I wouldn't give to be able to place flowers at her grave today.  Over and over throughout this last year, I have wished that her little body would have been able to be brought to the US and placed right beside her grandmother.  My entire family - with the exception of Julianna Ashure Deborah Reed - will be buried together right down the road from my house.  We're a family and we should be together.  This is so hard. 

As I watch Maura grow-up, I often think about Julianna (click here for her video) and wonder what she would have been like.  Did she have the spirit and spunk that her sister has?  Would she have been quiet or outgoing?  The questions race at me and all the while, my heart breaks and my arms yearn for the little girl that I loved so much yet never got to hold. 

If I have learned nothing over the last year, it is that people simply do not understand the spirit of adoption.  Some people cannot understand how you can grieve for a child you never held.  Some people say to just consider her like a miscarriage and move on - WHAT?!?!?!  How could I ever consider her like a miscarriage - I heard my baby girl coo and ah and saw her moving and prayed for her and most of all, loved her with a passion like no other - she IS my baby girl.  On top of that, those who say consider this like a miscarriage have obviously never had one because they hurt too and that's a pain you don't get over either.  I think of our Ukraine experience like our miscarriage.  We traveled half-way across the world and went through pure agony only to return home without a child and broken.  Some folks just don't understand and unfortunately, those are the people who open their mouth without thinking.

One day, I'm gong to be able to afford to buy Julianna Ashure a headstone like she would have had if she were buried here with us.  The cross that bears her name in St. Joseph Cemetery in Addis Ababa is adequate for now but I want her to have more than a piece of metal with paint running down from her name - which isn't even spelled correctly.  With all of Maura's medical bills and now mine (by the way, my biopsies came back negative so no stomach or colon cancer), we just can't afford it right now but one day that will be taken care of....tears stream down my face even as I type as I long to be standing over her little blue cross right at this very moment. 

What a day July 10, 2009, was for our family.  One daughter entered Heaven and saw her ultimate Father while our other daughter entered our agency's transitional home (orphanage) in Ethiopia and was matched with our family before we were even informed Julianna Ashure had died.  God went to great lengths to provide balm for our souls on that day and we didn't even know it at the time.  What a caring Father we have!

I can't visit my daughter's grave today but I can visit my mother's grave.  Julianna was named after Mom, and today I will place new flowers on her grave both in her honor and in Julianna's.  I've learned a lot about grief from both Mom and Julianna and I hope that this year brings me to a new path in my grieving for my daughter.  You see, the first year after my mom died, I was absolutely devastated but then as the 1st year turned into the 2nd, God helped me move past the sorrow and remember all the good things about her life and flooded my mind and hearts with memories that has helped me to begin to heal and look forward in life while at the same time cherishing the past in my heart.  Although I don't have memories of phyiscally holding Julianna and doing things personally with her, I have the memories of her milestones, her pictures, video of her enjoying life, etc. and I'll never forget the joy that I felt with just peering down into her face.  One day, I will see both my mother and daughter and we will never be separated again! 

Maura often looks at her sister's picture and points and says, "Baby".  She is now learning to call her "J" and although she doesn't quite have the "J" downpat, she points, mumbles babytalk, and then laughs.  One day she will understand that "J" isn't just a baby in a frame but she is her sister.  Not a day passes when Ashton says his goodnight prayers that he doesn't thank God for Julianna...same goes for me.  One daughter doesn't replace the other and never will....we will all always remember Julianna Ashure Deborah Reed. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2

"In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Prov. 3:6

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7

Maura learning to pray

For several days now, Maura has been blessing my heart at mealtime.  I always say, "Let's pray, Maura" and now, she has gotten to when I say that, she puts her little hands together and starts blinking her eyes.  She is just precious and it always makes my heart swell. 

Trials, Lessons, and Joy through Pain

Life is full of trials and lessons.  The last 6 months have definitely been a learning experience!  Our family has gone through a lot of difficult times and yesterday brought all of the experiences together in a way that only God could orchestrate.

I've already written about our hospital journey with Maura, so you know all that our precious baby has gone through.  She is still doing very well and remains healthy and heart failure free.  She has truly been touched by the hand of God! 

After the sickness came behavior issues.  We are learning so much about parenting adoptive children and let me tell you, their needs are so different from those of biological children.  We have also learned a little more about Maura's past and that is a past that will forever remain Maura's story and only known by Jason and me and shared with Maura when she is old enough to comprehend it all.  Truly, Maura has experienced more pain and heartache than most of us could ever imagine.   Yes, she continues to scream and fight us but we are slowly working through the behavior and yes, we are seeing improvement. 

I've written this many times over the last 3 years...adoption is not for the weary and weak of faith.  The adoption journey doesn't end with the homecoming of the child, it just begins.  Each day is different and some are better than others but every pain is worth it.  There is a reason that adoptive parents are educated on "parenting the hurting child".  People say, "Oh, it is so wonderful what you are doing for that baby" or "She is so blessed" but the reality is we as parents are the ones who are blessed by the children and whereas we are parenting a "hurting child", God uses our adoptive children to help Him in parenting his "hurting child" - us - as the adoptive parents frequently find themselves on their knees.  God uses our children to remind us that we too are adopted into His family and that He will provide for us but most of all, He will love us unconditionally.

Our struggles also include a health issue with Ashton that we are watching closely, as well as my own health issues.  I will be undergoing testing tomorrow and while all the results won't be available tomorrow, hopefully we will get a better understanding of what is going on with my own body.  As you may recall, my mother died less than 2 years ago and some of my symptoms are mimicking her illnesses, so the doctors are trying to be thorough.  The wonderful thing is, although I know the doctors are checking for very serious illnesses, I'm not upset and worried.  I have prayed and God has given me peace.  I know my Heavenly Father is going to take care of me and if things don't ultimately have a good outcome on earth, there's no better outcome than the eternal one!  It's all in God's hands and out of my control.

Well, yesterday a close family member and I were hurt very badly by the one person that at one time we thought we could always count on.  While my family member wept and sought comfort in her support person, I was at home with my immediate family and trying to find out what was going on - things were already bad and although I never thought it could get any worse, it did.  Jason took Ashton outside as Ashton was upset that someone he loved and thought loved us was making me cry.  I was left alone with Maura...both children were refusing to leave my side as they could sense that something was very wrong, and whereas Ash was all Jason could handle as he literally carried him out of the house, that left Maura in my care.  I was hurting and crying.  I sank to the floor in my bedroom and wept.  For just a moment, it was only me and God, and then I felt a little hand on my arm.  I sat up straighter and without saying a word, Maura reached her arms up and placed them around my neck and put her little head on my shoulder.   She could sense my pain and was trying to comfort me!  God tore walls down in Maura's heart and mine as for at least 15 minutes, I wept and she comforted me.  For the first time, I understood the depth of Maura's pain.  Maura has been mourning the loss of her parents, her life, her country, her everything...she felt abandoned by those she loved and couldn't comprehend the loss.  Our hearts connected through pain.  This may sound crazy to those of you who have never been in this situation before but Maura's loss and mine were the same - we have both experienced the pain of loss and betrayal.  I would have never dreamed God would have chosen that moment and that horrible event to bring my relationship with Maura to a whole new level - what a mighty God we serve!

Even today, Maura is a different child with me. Also, it's almost lunch and she has not had one melt-down, tantrum, or screaming fit - she has stayed right here with me and just keeps patting me.  When she got up this morning, her face lit-up with a smile and she tilted her head sideways as she looked at me...it was like she was saying, "Are you okay today?" Only God could bring so much joy from so much pain, and with God, we always have a parent who loves unconditionally and will give the ultimate sacrifice for His children - He already did. What an example He sets for each of us!

I reached a point yesterday in my personal life that I knew as much as it hurt me, alone I am powerless against the influence of Satan on the ones I love and only God can change their hearts and lives.  Yesterday was a lightbulb moment when I realized that life as I knew it and had been led to believe was real and true was over and was only a facade.  My family has been lied to and rejected for months and yesterday the ultimate rejection occurred, and I knew then that someone could try to cover sin with lies and play people against one another but in the end, the truth always comes out and sometimes it is very, very painful.  It is time to move on and trust God to work.  I'm tired of being played against my family members and I'm tired of stressing over this long drawn-out situation.  Yesterday, first in worship and then after the explosion yesterday afternoon, God said, "Let Me have it" so I'm putting it down and going to wait on God to work it all out in His time. 

Letting go feels good and that has spilled over to my husband and children.  Jason knows that I've been upset but after yesterday he said he realized that things were worse than he ever thought.  We're on the same page now and that brings healing for us as well.  Together, we will continue to pray for restoration for our entire family but for now, we won't focus on the pain but on the responsibility that God gave us to raise our children according to scripture. 

Yesterday evening while we were out for a drive, my son said, "Momma, when Granny made choices, she always prayed, didn't she?"  I said, "Yes, son.  Granny loved God with all of her heart and always tried to follow His will. She wasn't perfect, though, and she still made mistakes."  Ash replied, "Well, she's helping God build a beautiful palace now.  I want to make good choices like Granny."  Oh, to be the God-fearing, Christian mother that my mother was!  I'm trying really hard and unfortunately oftentimes living for Christ comes at a great price...but what rewards it has! 

Julianna Ashure - 1 Year Referralversary

One year ago, we saw our beautiful daughter's face for the first time. Although we never held her in our arms, we loved her with all our hearts. She is waiting for us in Heaven but continues to live in our hearts!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Be sure to mute the player on the right to watch Julianna's video!

Birthday Bash / Baby Shower

I was going through blogposts and realized that I never posted any of Maura's 1st birthday bash / baby shower at church!  We had such a wonderful time at the bash and received so many gifts!  Maura even had her own crown and throne - which she fell off of as Aunt BoBo and Mommy snaped pics.

DELICIOUS cakes made by Joy

(1st person on far left in the above-picture)

My favorite part of the shower - a photo book that contains notes from shower attendees.  I enjoyed reading the wishes and prayers so much!  Of course, tissues were needed!

The Princess

(Before her fall)